I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
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Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.