If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.