[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
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I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Huge, if true.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”