[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
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Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Stop.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.