How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
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Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
I hate everything
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.