Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
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ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Facebook memories be like
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday