Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
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How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
*has no idea what a book even is*
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Matt Goss
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.