Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
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Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
The funk soul brother
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.