@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
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*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
All food is good if you spell it wrong
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.