My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
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Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Do not levitate over flowers
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.