Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
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me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!