[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
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If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
selfie game
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
need him
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother