So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
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Perfection.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
My Guy
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.