Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
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my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.