saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
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I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.