People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
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50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
who named him groot and not spruce lee