me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
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Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast