“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
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Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.