as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
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In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
The only equipped I am is ill.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I have so many questions.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this