one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
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There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Lucky for them, they’re cute
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?