A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
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The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity