[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
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Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
this is the best interaction on twitter
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.