I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
You Might Also Like
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Lmaoo 😂
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.