I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
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an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…