Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
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My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”