Battery falling down a hole
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Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind