My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
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[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.