Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
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Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
this is me
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am