I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
You Might Also Like
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I am all good here, 😂😉
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else