13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
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i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy