Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
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I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor