Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
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“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH