a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
You Might Also Like
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
I’m sure it’s fine.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
when you order from DoorDastardly
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
What
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.