guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
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YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
I think this should do it.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Breaking news:
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
How to wake up a Beagle
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]