*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
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These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.