(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
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Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
got so much cardio in today
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
There is wisdom there.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…