Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
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My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
so i’m at the stock market right