Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
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Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.