Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
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The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
wow he looks just like him
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
This made me smile…
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!