I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
You Might Also Like
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
goldfish mafia
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Nice try, poison.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through