date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
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I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
58.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early