Mountain Goat : )
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Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce