If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
You Might Also Like
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
me linking you to my twitter
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.