I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
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Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
That earthquake could have been an email.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”