God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
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Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free