So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
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*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.