Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
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Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
A bold strategy
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Brilliant!
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Sheep
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters