I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
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Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl