My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
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Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?