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WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
anyone else like Italian cereal
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no